by Duke, PolitiPorn Int’l Bureau Chief
**PolitiPorn welcomes Duke back after a long hiatus.
International Update
Hey kids, did I miss anything?
China
After the earthquake a couple weeks ago China finds itself more than 60,000 people short and climbing, I’d like to take a moment to send a shout out to my main man eighty year old, partially paralyzed, Xiao Zhihu who was pulled from under a collapsed pillar after 11 days of waiting for rescuers. Disgusting to note was the fact that schools seemed to be a schosh less stable than the rest of the lean-to structures that comprise the Chinese skyline. An estimated 7,000 schools were destroyed in the earthquake; many happened to be surrounded by older buildings that suffered only slight damage.
The government of China has sought to assure citizens that they were back to work as they condemned a 30 minute meeting betwixt (that’s how they say is in England!) his Holiness the Dalai Lama and Big Bad Gordon Brown at the private residence of the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.
Foreign Ministry Spokesman Qin Gang (Formerly of the Dogg Pound) choked back tears as he lamented…
“This is interference in China’s internal affairs and also seriously hurts the feelings of the Chinese people”
One would think that after a government policy of arbitrary cattle prod rape of monks and nuns the average Chinese who have a little bit tougher skin.
Burma (or the silly name that I can’t spell)
Couple of weeks ago a devastating cyclone tore through the beleaguered country of Burma killing 78,000-130,000 and wounding probably everyone else. Unfortunately illegitimate Head of State Than Shwe was not injured. After the cyclone the military junta denied entry to damn near anyone who gives a shit about the Burmese people, unfortunately members of major relief agencies (including the U.N), had a hard time getting visas, in a situation complicated in part by the three day government weekend immediately following the disaster. Senior General Than Shwe reportedly had a goat book he wanted to read to children.
It turned out ok though; the Burmese government allowed UN relief planes to land with supplies, which they promptly stole at ground point. At the time of this writing they were letting a trickle of supplies into the country.
I have to give praise to George Bush however, as threatened at one point to air drop supplies without permission. I wouldn’t be all that worried; the Burmese Air Force’s fleet comprises only a handful of aircraft… 12 of which became operational in my lifetime… 22 days after I was born.
Iraq
Welcome back Abu Ghraib. Last week an Iraqi police officer discovered that US soldiers were us the Holy Qu’ran for target practice. What a fuckhead. First off, Muslims have a great deal of respect for the Bible, in the Qu’ran Christians are actually given an elevated status and referred to as ‘people of the book’. I honestly think that the Islamic community isn’t going to have a sense of humor about this little faux-pax.
Why not a picture of Osama? We love to say that we aren’t at war with Islam, but it’s pretty safe to say that some of us are. This fustercluck leaves everyone in quite a pickle. The Iraqi public isn’t going to stand for their perceived occupiers using their holy book as a soda can. The make-believe Iraqi government will be tarred and feathered if they don’t call for this kid’s head, while the very real Islamic clergy will be calling for everyone’s head. This of course is a fantasy. I couldn’t be more pissed at this assclown, but the idea of him standing in front of an Iraqi judge is an affront to my sense of patriotism, how do you think it would play in Ohio? None of that really matters though, the soldier has already received his punishment; he’s been sent back to the states and rumor has it, the military purposely lost his bags.
The worst part is that the government and Islamic community will be pressured to create a frenzy over this, even though they know damn well the masses of rioters (see Afghanistan, 3 dead including a NATO soldier) don’t have a shot in hell of getting what they want.
International Shorts (In Limerick)
There once was a man called Magabe
To whom mass starvation was a hobby
The votes all came in
And he didn’t win
But he’ll probably still keep his jobby
The worthless wife of a Saudi
Like to get a little bit rowdy
Her maid reported frequent thrashing
And got sentenced to a lashing
To prove that the Saudi courts are still bowdi-bowdi
Maqtada al-Sadr is fat
But he cannot do much about that
He’s got to feel awfully shitty
That they took over his favorite city
And made him wear his ass for a hat
We missed you! Hysterical, as always. I particularly enjoyed:
“I’d like to take a moment to send a shout out to my main man eighty year old, partially paralyzed, Xiao Zhihu who was pulled from under a collapsed pillar after 11 days of waiting for rescuers.”